Hercules......... and the Trojan War

Originally aired.....10/30/1998

Guest starring Cary Elwes as Paris of Troy

Executive Producer.................. Tad Stones

Story Editors and Series Producers................. Robert Schooley and Mark Mcorkle

"Hercules And The Trojan War" is the copyrighted property of Walt Disney Buena Vista Television and transcribed without their written permission when no one was looking.Some dialogue ....just for fun.....has been added just to clarify the narrative.

Originally aired.....10/30/1998

Guest starring Cary Elwes as Paris of Troy

Executive Producer.................. Tad Stones

Story Editors and Series Producers................. Robert Schooley and Mark Mcorkle

"Hercules And The Trojan War" is the copyrighted property of Walt Disney Buena Vista Television and transcribed without their written permission when no one was looking. Some dialogue, which we sincerely hope is in the spirit of the show, has been added to clarify the story.

In the Cafeterium of the prestigious Prometheus Academy a wet, bedraggled group of students glumly sat around one of the long marble tables, but no one was hungry. The mood was one of deep, dismal defeat, and they barely looked up as a familiar figure, Homer, the Greekly World News reporter bounced enthusiastically into the room, parchment and stylus in hand.

“Greekly World News reporting, Dateline......................... Athens!!!!! All right kids, my editor says you have a front page headline shocker........frankly I'm skeptical!!!!! What's the story about????”

“It's about shame!” declared a disgusted-looking Tempest.

Adonis put his nose in the air. “It’s about royalty.”

“It's about the shame of royalty!” snorted Cassandra.

“And the wave of the future!!! ...............Steam Power!” Icarus announced cheerfully.He was the only one of the group who didn’t look upset or angry.But then, Icarus was usually the most philosophical.

.

Homer looked at Hercules. “What say you, wet glum guy with the crown?”

“It’s ...it really....is ..about how we lost Helen..... no...” Hercules covered his face in embarrassment. “It's…it’s about how… I lost Helen.”

“Whoa!!..sounds like quite a tale!!!!....” Homer cried. “Let's start at the beginning!”

“Well.....” Herc began. “Ok...let's see....it was Homecoming Week.............. and everyone was working hard to get the school ready.....or....almost everyone........”

Adonis, wearing an ostenciously large golden crown, lounged down below watching them with calculated distain.

“Adonis,” chirped up Helen, laying her hand tentatively on her boyfriend’s bronzed shoulder. “I was wondering............... maybe we could pitch in with decorating this year!”

Adonis glanced at her with mock concern and took her hand. “Helen, are you delirious?!”

“No!....I don't think so......." She furrowed her brow."I…..I just thought it might to be fun to ....join in with our classmates??!...{for once!!??!”}

“Oh, but my dear Helen,” Adonis drawled, “It's much more delicious to lord power over them....speaking of which, my favorite little grunt needs attending to.....watch this.This is gonna be good.” He glanced up at Hercules, who after a great deal of effort had just finished adjusting his side of the banner, and gotten it perfect.

“Oh, Herculeeeees!” sang out the prince gleefully. “Your banner....????....It's Croo---ked!”

“It is... No-oooooot….” Herc called back through gritted teeth. This kind of torment had clearly been going on for quite some time now, and Adonis'es non-stop needling was starting to wear mighty thin.

Adonis cocked his head critically. “Helen, my dear............. it's crooked, right?”

Helen looked carefully at the banner. “It doesn’t look cr--”

“Of course it does!” He put a finger over her mouth. “Fix it, Jerkules!”

Icarus rolled his eyes and let loose an audibly sarcastic sigh.

Herc climbed down the ladder and confronted his rival.

"Ya know.....this is getting pretty old, Adonis. You say it's crooked, I say it's straight....what makes you right and me wrong??!?”

“Oh, it's very simple,” sneered the Prince. “I'm Royalty.”

“Yeah, maybe at home in Thrace!” Herc shot back. “But this is Athens which means you’re nothing but a guy with a big mouth!”

“Oh, you don't know? No one has ...... told you?” Adonis folded his arms across his broad chest and spoke to Herc in the same voice you would use to explain things to a very small dull child.

“I'm also the officially ordained Homecoming King of the Prometheus Academy.” He pointed smugly to the Homecoming Crown he wore."See???"

“What??!?” Herc cried in disbelief. “You're royalty of the..... school, too?!?”

“Oh, yeeeeessssss,” sneered the Prince. “The title's .....sort of an heirloom,as it were......one of those things that's been passed down through my family for ages".....

"Like webbed toes??" offered Icarus.

"Well you'd be the expert there," smirked the Prince."So, seeing as I'm in charge, Herc my lad, I'd appreciate it if you would fix that banner and fix it til you get it right...... for once. This is, after all, a matter of school pride."

He turned to leave but Herc tapped him sharply on the shoulder.

"Not so fast, Crown Boy...I wanna have a word with you....you're not the only one with a pedigree around here ya know....how would you like to come to Parenthesis'es office and we'll just See who gets to be king?!!!??"

The Prince carefully removed Herc's hand from his shoulder as if he were brushing away a bird dropping and gave him a haughty stare.

"You're on!!!"

" Yes, yes, I know you're a concerned and caring citizen, Hercules, and doubtless you have a point, but I just don't see why you must upset the figcart at this particular juncture. Everything was going just fine as it was!!!!"

"That's what I say!!!!" nodded Adonis.

"Well---I never picked him to be My king!” Herc spluttered angrily. “Don't I get a say in who my leaders are????? In what way is this fair?!!???”

“Mr. Parenthesis,” Adonis argued, “Royalty is founded on the very notion that life is un-fair....for the commoner, at least.....but then....that's Their problem.”

"What kind of reasoning is that!!??" exclaimed Herc.

"Well.... it's their own fault.......they should'nt have been commoners in the first place."

"Hmmm...........” Mr. Parenthesis mused. “Considering Athen's reputation, ie, The "Cradle of Democracy" and all that.......one might argue that really IS quite a double standard......”

"So!!!".......said Herc, getting all excited at the thought...."Why not let the students decide for themselves who’ll be their Homecoming King? ....The person will be chosen on their merits as a human being...and not cause their father can buy and sell half the Aegean Navy!!!"

"You say that like it's a bad thing!!!" answered the Prince irritibly. "And FYI it's the entire Aegean Navy, by the way. I like to be precise.”

“Sounds like a smashing idea!” agreed Parentheseis.(“But one must admit, it's a logistical nightmare!”)

"Not nessesarily,"said Herc, "we simply put two candidates up for the choice. Then the students mark a little clay tablet with their name of the person they prefer and puts it in a secret jar. Whoever gets the most clay tablets wins!!!"

“It's a ridiculous idea!” Adonis laughed. “Who'd be fool enough to run against me?”

An unholy gleam appeared in Herc’s eyes, and he grinned broadly as he jabbed Adonis in the chest with his forefinger.

“Well, you can call me a fool!”

It said....."Vote….. Adonis….. Because…. He Deserves It." A student read it out loud and shrugged. “Why bother?” Turning around, he noticed Herc, Icarus, and Cassandra hanging a more modest sign on some lockersacross the plaza.That one said.... “Vote Hercules .....Because Adonis Doesn’t Deserve It!”

Herc stepped back from the crowd to see their reaction.

"They're reading it, they're reading it, see??!!? " he turned to Cassandra hopefully.

"I don't know if that's....exactly the best platform to take, " said Cassandra uncertainly. "The term..... "damning with faint praise" comes to mind."

Icarus tossed his hair. "Tut, tut my little peach pit...As Herc's royal campaign advisor I can tell you there's only two ways to go with this puppy....{alpha}....capitalize on Herc's popularity....{ie, none whatsoever}...or, {beta}point out that Adonis is a total jerk. Which is a shoo-in."

"Well .....that's true.."

Herc laughed. "Good thing you guys are on My side.Thanks for the vote of confidence!!!"

Some students were hanging around the Herc banner and the message must have started to sink in cause they were starting to get enthusiastic. "OK!! way to go!!!whoo whoo!!!!"

One guy pumped his fists in the air with more enthusiasm than he had thus far shown in his entire high school career. “OK! Alright! I am votin’ for..for .Her........” His brief spark of enthusiasm fizzled out. “Wait, what's his name again???!!”

Herc couldn’t resist rubbing it in a little.

“Looks like years of being a jerk have caught up with you, Adonis, huh?” he crowed as he put on the crown and nodded at the cheering crowd.

“They were very good years,” Adonis mused philosophically. “I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Icarus, on the other hand,was never one to do anything halfway, and, having been promoted from campaign manager to loyal subject he enthusiastically embraced the role with typical Icarian "joie di vive." He dropped to his knees and prostrated himself on the ground at Herc's feet.

Oh gods here we go, thought Cass.

"O Mighty Lord of the School!” Ick cried dramatically. “You are my liege, and I your humble servant!" Glancing up at Cassandra, he hissed, "Eh...psst! Woman! Get down on your knee before the Imperious One!"

Cassandra turned to Herc with a grim look. "You'd think this sort of stuff would get less embarrassing with time? .....It doesn’t. It really doe'snt. "

Herc laughed. "Icarus, get up!”

"But Sire, you're my mighty king!!!"

"I'm your Homecoming King--it's not That big a deal!" He reached down to help Icarus to his feet. He was about to speak again but at that very moment the beauteous Helen sashayed by and threw Herc the kind of look that would someday start a major 10 year conflict.

"Hi, Hercules!" Helen called out gaily. “So, on Friday? When will you pick me up? Seven?"

"Huh?"

"The Homecoming?” She leaned close to him and cuddled up against his arm, sending shivers down his spine.“You’re the King….and I'm the Queen?”

“Oh!”

Cassandra leaned over to mutter in Herc's ear. "She ran unopposed.......the dangers of a one-party system."

Helen overheard her. “There was one vote for someone named…uh… "Feta Cheeks....”

"You were my ‘write-in’ vote!" Icarus purred at Cass, giving her a suggestive look. Cassandra hauled off and smacked him to the ground.

Herc brightened as the thought started to sink in. "Aw…wait ........you're my date to the Homecoming Ball?!"

Helen giggled and grasped Herc’s arm. "Why, yes, silly!” Her eyes widened as a sudden thought struck her. “Ohhh!” she squealed. “I've never gone without Adonis......this will be fun for us both!!!!!"

Herc’s eyes widened in delight as he took her hand. "No doubt!!!!"

"All right, all right, ALL RIGHT!!! Stop this at once!!!!!” Furiously, Adonis came striding over and inserted himself between the couple and shoved them apart. Putting a firm arm around Herc’s shoulders, the prince sneered, "You think you're on top of the world, don't you???........Your ‘rags to royalty’ journey has been quite the heartwarming tale, Hercules.....But listen to me, my delusional friend, you'll soon learn the weight of that crown is a heavy one!” He dropped Herc to the ground and turned to his girl. “Helen?? Attend me!!!!"

Helen threw Herc a dazzling farewell smile and giggled yet again as she took Adonis’s hand. "Aw….he’s so cute when he’s needy! Bye, Hercules!!!!" ...and even though she was walking arm in arm off with Adonis she turned around and blew him a kiss. "See you Friday!!!!...ta ta!!"

Cassandra stared glumly at the retreating femme fatale. "Ya know...here's a word for girls like that," she muttered.

"Yeah.......FUN!!!!" Icarus crowed.

Herc, sitting on the ground in a daze from her perfume and all the attention, waved back feebly with a moronic

smile on his face. “Hunhh…??…”

Icarus turned to Herc with a cocky smile. "Well, I believe you were saying your royal title is .....“no "big deal????"

Still sitting on the ground, Herc pumped his fists in the air. "I take it back!!! Being the Homecoming King rules!!!!!"

And Cassandra glared at them both in disgust.

But Hercule's triumphant ascension to royalty would soon have it's first challenge. Late that very night, under cover of darkness after all good Athenians were asleep in their beds, a hooded figure poked its head out of some bushes near the revered statue of Prometheus and his Eagle tormentor. Seeing that all was clear, the leader gave the thumbs-up signal. He and several other hooded figures stealthily approached the statue. The leader, a handsome young Trojan Academy student named Paris, took off his mask and brandished a paintbrush slathered with red paint.

“And now, fellow Trojans, we strike a blow for ......"Stallion Pride!”

The statue was thouroughly vandalized.

The next morning the whole Pro Ac student body stared aghast at the statue liberally slopped over with red paint and the words "Stallion Pride."

It was an enraging sight.

Tempest pulled her bronze sword out of it's sheath and brandished it around her head, snarling."The Trojans shall pay with body parts!"

Icarus dropped to his knees in front of Herc and threw his hands up in mock despair......"This is an outrage!!! Oh, this is disgraceful, Sire!!!!! Oh, it lacks any sense of artistic eclat!!!!"

Herc scratched his head in puzzlement as he repeated the dripping red words.

"Stallion ...Pride?” He noticed a horseshoe that the offenders had left on the ground as a “souvenir.” Picking it up, he mused out loud, “Why would they do this??? I mean...what's the point??Why would they waste their time committing something so .......destructive and petty and ....juvenile??"

Cassandra smirked at him. "I wouldn’t dig too deep for hidden meaning."

Mr. Parenthesis strode up to their little group and shook his head. "Ahhh....an impish homecoming prank!!!! Ie, Trojans strike again!!!"

Icarus nodded. "Exactly!!! It's evil genius!!! Designed to deflate the morale of the opposition (ipso facto, us)!!!!”

Adonis glared up at the sky and spoke out in his haughtiest tone. "They never would have dared such an atrocity when I was in power!” He jabbed an accusing finger at Hercules. “What are YOU going to do about it???”

Egged on by his words the crowd of students began to get unruly. They were beginning to thirst for revenge.

Tempest brandished her sword again. “Yeah! Yeah, what are you gonna do about it??!!!??”

Hercules looked up at everyone in innocent confusion. "Well.....uh..... I guess I could get a bucket of soapy water and a scrub brush........I think I can get that paint off......" Cassandra cringed in embarrassment.

Adonis laughed scornfully. "Oooohhh!!!!! A brush and soapy water....well, that is a bold move! That’ll teach those wily Trojans!!!"

Hercules winced at his sarcasm. "Hold on a second please....if....uh..... if I could have a word with my, uh....Royal Advisors???…." He grabbed Ick and Cass into a huddle.

"Listen guys, we can't strike back!!! It's not .........nice!!!!!!"

Icarus burst out laughing." Ooooooh...... it's not.... Nice!!???!! It's not.... Nice!!???!! Oh, Herc, ya gotta be kidding me!!!! we gotta strike back!!!Come on, it's all just good natured fun!!!!! Homecoming Tradition!!! They expect us to retaliate, your Worship!!!!!"

"But, don't you see??? Look, if we do something, then they'll do something else back!!! Then we go one more round and they’ll go one more round and sooner or later something or someone is gonna get hurt!!!!"

Icarus cackled evilly. "Yessir, that's IT, BABY!!!!! Stir the Pot!! hee heee heee!!!!!!!" he waved his arms around wildly.

Herc grabbed them in mid-wave. "Are you even listening to me!!!???...Icarus ....That's how things get outta hand!!!! thats how the situation escalates!!!!....Cassandra, you agree with me, right????"

Cassandra glanced down at her hands........"I don't know...........normally I'd say..... YES.....but something is holding me back!!!! A weird feeling of....of ...of ..."

"School Spirit??" Icarus grinned mischieviously.

Cassandra covered her face in shame. “Oh.......Sweet Zeus, what have I become????”

Adonis impatiently broke in on their huddle. “Reclaim the honor of our alma mater, Hercules!”

Herc was still torn. This whole situation just seemed wrong. “Yeah...well...the thing is....a prank isn’t really—“

“Or give back that crown!!!!!!”

Hercules looked unhappily out over the restless crowd and felt himself relenting. The pressure was unbearable. "Uh.......ok....ok...uh" he leapt up onto the edge of their defaced statue....." Eagle Pride Forever!!!!!! Revenge on the Evil Stallions!!!" The crowd cheered and pumped their fists in the air. “Eagle Pride! Eagle Pride!!!”

So that afternoon, two suspicious-looking bushes tiptoed into the Trojan Academy campus. Interestingly, the campus was a near identical match to the one they had just left behind. Hercules poked his head out of one of the bushes and looked around.

“I can't believe it! Look at this place!”

The other bush gave a snort of disgust. “I know…it's all so ..........Trojan…..” Icarus muttered as he stuck his head out.

“That's not what I was getting at!” Herc protested. “Look around!!! It looks just like the Prometheus Academy!”

“Yeah...right........next yer gonna tell me that the Trojans ‘aren’t so different from us after all!’”

Herc grabbed Icarus by the leaves and turned him around to observe a near carbon copy of the trio standing outside one of the buildings. Icarus was unimpressed.

“Your Majesty...... can we please dispense with the open mindedness??? ....remember.......You have a royal responsibility!!”

“Right!” Herc agreed. “Gotta keep my focus............ this is all about...uh...... School Spirit!” He turned around and caught sight of the stallion statue that graced the entrance of the Trojan Academy campus. “There! That’s our target!!!! OK…the coast is clear!!!!!

The bushes tiptoed towards the statue. “Commence............. Operation Payback!” Icarus hissed.

Not far away, Paris—who looked amazingly like Adonis.....lounged against a column, talking to a group of admirers. “Really,” he drawled, “What I did to the statue was an improvement....the Prometheus Academy should thank me........” he laughed.

A beefy but not-too-bright student interrupted him. “Uh…..Paris?? Our statue is movin'.......”

“Whatever are you blabbering about?” Paris whirled around. Hercules had picked up the four ton statue of the Trojan Horse and, with Icarus riding on top, was carrying it across the campus.

“What the….I say!” Paris cried indignantly. “Excuse me, just what do you think you are doing???!!!!???” He stalked after Herc and Icarus. The Trojan Academy students muttered in astonishment and anger. “What’s going on?!” “He’s STRONG!”

Hercules carried the Icarus-laden statue to the edge of a huge cliff. “Hey, you messed with our statue......... now we're messin’ with yours!!!!!”

“Ho, yee haw!!!! Yessir!!!!! EAGLE PRIDE!!!!!!!!” hollered Icarus, gleefully flapping his arms like an eagle. “Caw, Caw! That's right, we got you, Buddy!!!!!”

Paris panted up to the top of the cliff, flanked by two burly friends. “Look, Promethean,” he gasped. “That's a very special statue you’re holding, and I wouldn’t want—“

“What???” mocked Herc, tossing the statue high into the air. “Are the big bad Trojans worried about a little prank with their precious statue???"He tossed the statue even higher, then pretended to drop it. “Whoa, oh no! Whoopsie-daisy!” he cried, juggling it from hand to hand.

“No, please!” Paris begged. “Put it down….please????...........Please??!!!!!”

“Aw, you guys are such Herc continued to toss the statue around. “It's just fun!!! I'm just playin'—“

................but the statue had slipped out of Herc’s hands. Icarus hit the ground with a thud, and the huge marble horse went flying. Paris leaped into the arms of one of his beefy friends as it smashed to pieces right where he had been standing.

“What have you done??!!” screamed Paris from his friend’s arms. “This was a gift from…Hephaestus!!!! A present upon the founding of this Academy!!! Fathers and mothers bring their children here to see the glorious marble that was our pride and joy!!!! And YOU…… broke it!!!!”

Hercules and Icarus cowered in shame and embarrassment. Enraged students advanced on the boys.

“Flee, your Majesty!” Icarus cried dramatically. “Flee!!!!!” They fled.

Back on the Pro Ac campus, Herc and Icarus faced an angry crowd of their fellow. What had seemed like such a great idea to them earlier was now a really, really bad idea.

“It's was supposed to be good natured fun!!!” squealed a girl.

“How’d you get elected Homecoming King anyway?” drawled the boy who had read Herc’s banner during election time.

“What??” cried Herc. “You voted for me!!!”

“No,” insisted the student. “I voted against Adonis. You know, there's like a whole difference!!!!!”

Tempest jabbed an accusing finger at Herc. “You .......have cast us all in the dirt dark shadow of shame!!!”

Icarus grinned in mock horror. “Whoa...... that's dark!!!!”

The students were grumbling angrily once again. Cassandra leaned over to whisper in Herc's ear. “Damage control time. You've got to put a positive spin on this disaster.”

“I'll just be honest,” Herc decided.

Cassandra rolled her eyes in disgust. “You're new at politics, aren’t you?”

Hercules looked out at the angry crowd. “Look, guys….. I'm sorry............. things just….sorta got out of hand!”

“Indeed!” came a voice from the crowd. Adonis—the one person Herc really didn’t want to face right now. “Out of your clumsy hand!!! Now let's nip this "Power to the People" folly in the bud, shall we???” The crowd yelled angrily. Herc covered his face in embarrassment. Somehow he still had to get through the Homecoming Rally that night. He was beginning to think that he would be glad when his “reign” was over.

Later that night, the Pro Ac students all cheered from the seats of the campus stadium as Mr. Parenthesis addressed them at the pep rally. “All rise for our elected royalty (there's a contradiction in terms)...our lovely Queen Helen” (the crowd cheered) “and our strapping (but woefully clumsy) King Hercules!!!!!” Herc cringed as the crowd booed him.

Helen put an encouraging hand on Herc’s arm. “Oh, don't feel bad....... your prank got a little out of hand........... but

I'm sure the Trojans all took it in good fun!!!!”

At that moment both Herc and Helen were slammed in the face with a barrage of tomatoes. They looked up in shock to see Paris and a crowd of Trojan Academy students in full armor standing on top of the stadium, armed with loads of rotten eggs and vegetables.

“NO PRISONERS!!!!!!!” shouted Paris. They began to fire at the Pro Ac students.

“Oh my,” Helen cried, ducking a flying tomato. “They seem a little touchy!!”

Hercules began to climb out of their royal box in a panic. “Don't worry I'll take care of this ya want anything maybe a drink or something I’ll be right back!!!” Without waiting for Helen to answer, he scrambled over the wall. Helen looked after him in dismay.

“Yeah,” Hercules answered. “It got pretty hostile....but we gave as good as we got.....’Eagle Pride’ was preserved.......for what's that worth....... cause when all was said and done.....we paid a pretty heavy price.....”

The Pro Ac stadium was in a shambles, but thanks to Herc, Ajax, Tempest, and Adonis (well, his servants anyway), the renegade Trojan students had been sent packing. Hercules returned to the royal box where he had left Helen.

“I guess we showed them, huh Helen??? Helen???? Where'd she go??? What's this???” He picked up a horse shoe. It looked exactly like the one he had found next to the statue of Prometheus after it had been vandalized. Attached to it was a tag with the words “HA HA.”

Adonis approached him, smirking. “Where's Helen? Did she finally wise up and dump you???

”It's worse than that!” Herc cried, looking around at the empty box in panic. “The Trojans kidnapped Helen!!!!”

Late that night in the Art Building, Herc called a secret meeting. Icarus, Cassandra, Adonis, Tempest, and Ajax gathered around the table to listen.

Using a pointer and a chart with a crude drawing of Helen and an equally crude drawing of a horse, Herc outlined the situation. “Given the nature of the crisis, I've called you all here as special advisors. The question before us: How do we get Helen back from the Trojans????”

Icarus pounded his fist on the table. “I'm going on a hunger strike!!! From now on, I won't eat until Helen is returned!!!!!......Take THAT, Trojan swine!!!!!

The whole group looked at him in bewilderment.

Ajax growled menacingly and smashed his meaty fist into his hand.

“Ajax......... got an idea??” Herc asked eagerly. Ajax knitted his unibrow in, what was for him, deep thought, but it passed quickly.

Icarus looked at Cassandra. “Excuse me, you wouldn’t happen to have a cookie, wouldja?

"No, I don't. Leave me alone."

"A little snackie wackie??? Any munchie wunchie will do........”

“That’s gotta be the shortest hunger strike in ancient history,” muttered Cassandra.

“C'mon!” Herc pleaded with his group, desperate for ideas. “Guys...ya gotta think of something!!!We can't just burst in there and grab Helen!!!!”

“Amazon warriors cut the ‘T’ off the word ‘Can't’!!!!" shouted Tempest.

Herc shot her a wry look.“Tempest, the Trojan Academy has Titan security.......they'd cream us even before we got through the gate!!!!!”

“Then we will not sail to the Eternal Shores of the River Styx alone!!!!!!”

Hercules rolled his eyes. “I'm kinda looking for a plan that minimizes the "death" angle.......ya know???” He fell silent for a moment...apparently lost in thought.Then he glanced sheepishly over at Adonis.

“Adonis.... I could.....uh......... use your help.......”

Adonis smirked. “My....... help??? My what??? Sorry didn’t quite catch that......what was that last part???”

“Help” .......Herc said through gritted teeth.

“Not so smug are you now, "King Hercules????” gloated the prince.

“Well,” Herc demanded, “What would you have done???”

Adonis examined his fingernails. “Usually when the Trojans painted the statue I'd order my servants to clean it off before anyone could find out. Then I would fire off a scathing letter!!! And that was that!!!!”

Hercules stared at him in disbelief. "A letter???........ That's the retaliation you were demanding??"

"A scathing letter!!!! Bursting with verbs...and action words....really tough stuff!!!!!!"

Icarus perked up. "We could try the bush thing again!!!"

"We need more people on this raid.....we All can't get into bushes and run around."

"That's it!!!" Icarus leaped to his feet. “Hold on!! I got.…..” He clutched his head dizzily. “Woo!!! Pressure drop!! I kinda stood up too fast.......OK, this may be starvation talk, but I got an idea!!!!”

Cassandra cringed.

And what was this great Icarian idea????....well....to find out we have to be back in Dadalouse's workshop, which the gang was at this very moment, staring up in open mouthed astonishment at a gigantic hollow wooden Horse. Icarus was modeling it for them, and he popped his head out of the Horse grinning in triumph.......{uh, I mean, really, Icarus was grinning...not the horse.....I mean, horses don't grin, ya know, even real ones and this one is made of wood.......Ok, I guess maybe a real horse could grin if he thought something was really funny....oh, you know what I mean....}

"Okay!!!" announced Ick all enthused to be showing off, "Here's your ticket to undercover infiltration!!!"

"Oh yeah, no one's gonna notice this at their gate!!!" said Cass.

"That's just the point!!!! We hide inside.....and they have no idea......dontcha get it????"

Adonis eyed the monstrosity in horror. “Let me get this .......straight....we sneak into the Trojan Academy in....THAT!????”

Icarus nodded happily. “Ha!! It's so crazy it has to work!!!! It's the horseless Horse my Dadalous and I have been working on for several months now.........all the pleasures of horseback riding without all the stinky!!!!!”

“You're cracked!!” declared Adonis.

“No no, wait!” Herc cried, a note of excitement in his voice. “I don't think its a bad idea at all!!!!!”

“At ...............all?” stammered Cassandra, deploring the fact that she was actually agreeing with Adonis.

“OK, it's not a great idea,” Herc admitted. “But can you think of anything betetr??????.....it's all we've got to save Helen!!!!!”

And so reluctantly the group agreed that the best way to get through the Trojan Gates would be to hide in the Horse, which could be rolled quite easily up to it's gates

“Oh easy there!!!” cried Icarus as the students all climbed into the giant Horse. “Let's hit a drive through on the way, OK?? Im starving!!!!C'mon!!!!”

Just outside the Trojan Academy, Paris and his fellow Trojan Academy students stood around the giant Horse. Spying a letter pinned to the horse with an olive branch, Paris unpinned it and read it out loud.

“Dear Trojan Academy.....Sorry about your statue and stuff....please take this one instead........Love, the Prometheus Academy."

Paris shrugged."What a stupid letter.”

He examined the Horse with curiosity. "Ha......extending the "olive branch"...how very Athenian........and yet.....something seems ........wrong. Their letters are usually rife with action words........” He approached the giant Horse and rapped loudly on its side.

Adonis quivered in fear. “I told you so!!!! They're onto us!! It's all over!!!!”

“Good!!!” cried Tempest. “My blade thirsts for Trojan blood!!!!!!”

Hercules cringed inwardly. “Tempest, I can't emphasize strongly enough: THIS IS NOT A DEATH RAID!”

Paris, who had been listening to their “secret” conversation from outside the horse, smiled. “It seems a well intentioned, if crude gesture...........I say we take it!!”

“Absolutemente!!!” agreed another Trojan student. “Why didn’t I think of that??????”

Other students muttered in agreement. “Yeah, yeah, its great, it's perfect.........it seems to be sensible enough to me!!!!”

“Open the gate!!!!!!” Paris cried.

Slowly, the Trojan Academy students dragged the horse inside the campus grounds.

“See?!” cried Hercules “I told you this would work!!!!!”

“Oh, man,” groaned Icarus. “I am so hungry I could eat a horse!!! HA!!! Which is pretty ironic when ya think about it...........”

“SHHHUUUUSSSHHH!!!!!!!!!!” everyone hissed.

“Oh, don't shush me!!!!!!!” snapped Icarus.

Now that they were inside the Trojan Academy, the Pro Ac group slipped out of the Horse and tried to blend in with the Trojan students.

Hercules looked around nervously. “All clear!!!! Look natural!!!! Stallion Pride!!!”

“Yeah….whatever.....” mumbled a bored-looking Trojan girl.

“You bet,” yawned a second.

Hercules scanned the campus anxiously, hoping he wasn’t being too conspicuous. “She's gotta be here somewhere......where are they holding her????”

“I see Helen.......... in the company of her captors.........” Cassandra remarked quietly.

Tempest looked at her with contempt.“I do not trust you and your sorcerer’s ways! The only vision I believe is that of my own two eyes!!!!”

Cassandra pointed to a nearby building, where Helen could be seen—with Paris. “She's.......over there?”

“Oh.” Tempest looked deflated.

“Now's the time!” Herc told his followers. "Let's rush 'em!!!!!!.........Trojan! We demand our Queen back!!!!!”

Helen looked up and saw him. She was casually leaning up against a column and her hands, which Herc had assumed were bound, were merely behind her back. She folded her arms and smiled happily.

“Oh, hi, Hercules!!!!!!”

Paris gave a huge yawn and checked his sundial watch.“It's about time. I was wondering when you'd reveal yourselves.”

Hercules was stunned. “You................ knew we were ..........here??”

“I'm always wary of "geeks bearing gifts." ....He cupped his hands to his mouth and yelled. .."Trojans......... prepare to humiliate!!!!!” At his command, dozens of Trojan Academy students stepped out of the lockers, armed once again with rotten fruit.

Icarus leapt forward with one of his sweeping dramatic gestures{ which were his favorite kind.}

“Ah, very good, Paris! But you've overlooked one really important fact!!!! Herc here is a demigod!!!!! aha !!! did'nt know that, didja!!!!!....go ahead!!!!!Throw the whole student body at him! He'll just keep coming!!!!”

Paris raised his eyebrows. “Oh, Heavens to Betsy!! That would be a problem, wouldn’t it??? That is....if we didn’t have our new............ exchange student!!!!”

Right on cue, a seventeen foot tall .......fishlike thing resembling the Creature from the Black Lagoon stepped out of a nearby locker.

Hercules’ jaw dropped with unexpected recognition.“Cousin.......... Otis??”

Otis belched menacingly.

Icarus leaned over to Herc and whispered."Thats your cousin Otis???"

"There always was something wrong with him. They don't like to talk about it."

Paris grinned evilly. “Correct!!!!!!! Otis......is a son of Poseidon.......so that makes him......let me see now....a demigod!!! I say, Otis, how about a good sound thrashing for our Prometheus Academy friend, hmmm?”

Otis gurgled in agreement and advanced on the luckless Hercules.

“Hercules??” said Adonis as they backed away slowly. “ I have an idea! Next year.........don't run for king!!”

“Deal!” cried Herc.

Those were his last words before Otis punched Herc once in the jaw and knocked him out colder than a cod. His friends grabbed him, turned tail and ran.

“Abort mission!!!!!!” screamed Adonis as the crowd of vegetable-slinging Trojan students gave chase. “They’re savages, savages, I say!!!!!”

The Pro Ac invaders ran back to the wooden Horse as fast as they could,considering they were grappling with Herc's unconscience 6 foot frame, climbed inside and locked the door tight.Icarus slapped the unconscious Herc in the face.

“Wake up!! Wake up, my Liege!!! Talk to me, Buddy!!!!!!”

Hercules groaned and tried to open his eyes. “What..... happened…….?”

Cassandra kneeled down and looked down at him thoughtfully.“Ya know, for a demigod? You got a glass jaw!”

"We kinda blew it out there," informed Icarus."We sorta....hafto....surrender....".....

“No way!!!!!!....Better to die on our feet than live on our knees!!!!” cried Tempest.

“What?!!!” exclaimed Adonis. “Surrender is perfectly reasonable and much less messy than death!!!!!! Watch!!!” He tore off a small piece of his toga hem and wrapped it around a sliver of wood .He stuck his little white flag out a narrow window in the Horse's wall.

“Hello!!!!! Hello!!???.....Gentlemen?? you there???We Surrender!!!!!!!!”

In response a barrage of tomatoes slammed him in the face.

Herc looked around at the group. “OK, I'm open to other suggestions........”

“Ha!!! Boiler's ready, Baby!!” Nobody had noticed Icarus working at a complicated control panel in the front of the Horse.

Hercules stared at him. “Icarus, what are you doing??!!?”

Icarus pulled a panel out of the wall and an amazing folding chair appeared onto which he hopped, and he pulled himself up to what was clearly a sort of dashboard with all kinds of gears and levers sticking out.He shot Herc a look of supreme satisfaction.

“Weeeeell, I'm an inventor's son, Buddy, and this cart's gotta few surprises!!!!!!!! Witness............ the awesome glory of...... Steam Power!!!!!!” He pulled at some of the levers, pressed down on a pedal with his foot, and with a blast and a groan the Trojan Horse lurched forward, literally, on it's own steam. At a terrifying four miles an hour.

"Steam????........."

"Yes!!! Steam, my friend!!! Boiling water, Baby!!!! .....creating steam heat in the whatchamacallit exerts expansion force on the mechanical thingamajig which causes the doohickey to go round and that makes the widgety thing move.....I'd explain it to you but it's way too scientific."

Outside of the Horse several students gazed in amazement.“Whoa!” exclaimed one Trojan Student. “It moves!!!!!”

“Barely,” said an unimpressed Paris.

“Ohhhhwwweee!!! Eat My Dust, Troy!!!!!!” screamed Icarus.

Hercules looked out the window, perplexed.“Icarus...can't we go any faster????!!?”

“OOOWHHHEEEEEEEeeeeeeee!!!!!!Well, no".....Icarus glanced over his shoulder, somewhat annoyed. "C'mon.....we're centuries ahead of ourselves as it is!!.......just calm down!!!”

Observing the Horse from the outside, Paris yawned and checked his watch again.“As dreadfully exciting as this chase is, I think I shall put an end to it before I grow old...........ready the Augean stable cheese!!!!!”

(…..and we all know what the Augean STABLE CHEESE REALLY IS, RIGHT????)

Amid shouts of “Yeah, right here!” “Aye, aye, sir!” and “You got it!” the Trojan students climbed to the tops of the campus buildings and enthusiastically armed themselves with loads of horse poop.

“Let them have it!!” shouted Paris. “Take that!!! And that!!!!!!!” The "cheese" flew through the windows of the Horse.

Hercules gagged and flinched as the stench filled up the Horse's interior.“Wow, that is ripe!!”

Icarus held his nose. “Ooohhh!!!!!!!! There's the Stinky!”

Cassandra hazarded a glance out the window. The Horse seemed to be going ....faster.Really faster.

“Hey!” she exclaimed. “We’re picking up speed!”

“We're gonna make it!” Adonis shouted with relief.

“Ummmmm........,” Cassandra began glumly,“Not to do my usual ....."raining on the parade bit"...but...ah.....I think we're headed for a cliff.”

“A cliff?!!!!?” chorused everyone except Icarus.

Herc grabbed his friend by the shoulder.

"Icarus!!! slam on the brakes!!!!"

"What brakes???"

"Well, the brakes you use to.....Whatta ya mean, there's no brakes!!??? who ever heard of something with no brakes???...Are you telling me there's no brakes?????"

"Uh...yes...bingo ........I am telling you there's no brakes!!!!!"

"I can't believe you built this thing with no brakes!!!!"

Cassandra snorted. "I can!!"

"It was on my "To Do" list, okay??!!" answered Icarus irritably. "Gods, you people want everything!!!!!"

"Well how are ya gonna you stop us?!!!???” Herc yelled helplessly as the edge of the cliff loomed ahead of them and he could feel the front of the Horse starting to tip horribly forward.

“Not to worry, my liege!” cried Icarus, who seemed curiously unfazed. “Ah, this thing still has a few tricks up its wooden sleeve"…..

Hercules looked at him in askance, and Icarus pulled a large metal lever.

"That’s right!!" he crowed triumphantly as two enormous pieces of wood emerged on either side of the Horse. —WINGS!!!!!" The whole contraption went over the cliff at this point, and after one indecsive moment hanging in midair it hurtled straight down.

“Icarus, we're not flying!!!!!” Herc screamed.

“Well, yeah,” Icarus agreed cheerfully. “But the wings will cut the impact of the crash by 10 per cent!!!!!...what more doya want???”

The giant Horse hurtled down past a waterfall. The wings flapped crazily for only a few seconds before breaking off completely, and then the whole contraption dropped about 800 feet at 90 miles an hour and smashed into the water below.But Herc, Ick and the others floated safely to the surface.

Hercules grabbed onto a chunk of floating debris, gasped for air and shot a furious look at his friend.

“See? we're alive!!!! ” spluttered Icarus happily. “Those wings really did the trick, huh? Huh???”

Far above them, Paris and his classmates stood on the edge of the cliff cheering.“Have a nice swim home, Hercules!!!! I'll give your best to Helen!!!!”

Laughing rudely, the Trojan students began to chant: “Stallion Pride !!!!!! Stallion Pride!!!!”

It echoed in their ears all the way back to the campus.

“So,” Homer asked the bedraggled students gathered in the Cafeterium, “What have you learned from all this?”

Tempest pounded her fist on the table. “Honor is kept only by the sword!!!”

“Perhaps..... the horseless horse needs a little fine tuning…” Icarus mused.

Cassandra rolled her eyes. “School spirit should be left to girls with pompons.”

“Democracy leaks!” pronounced Adonis.

Homer looked questioningly to Hercules for his answer. Herc shrugged.

“Being a leader is tough? Don't be swayed by the crowd???? Pranks can get out of hand??? take your pick....the only thing I'm sure about is .. We've got to find a way to save Helen!!!”

Almost on cue, Helen herself walked into the Cafeterium. “Save me? Hercules, whatever are you talking about??” Everyone looked up in shock.

“Helen, you escaped???? How?!!!??” Herc cried.

Helen looked confused. "Escaped???........"

Adonis rushed to her. “You were the Trojans’ prisoner, my Darling!!!!!”

Helen giggled. “Ooh, you sillies!! I was'nt their prisoner!!! I was their guest!!!!! You see......... I thought this whole Homecoming rivalry thing had gotten out of hand, so I decided to do something....I went straight to Troy and talked to that Paris..... and you know what?? He's not so bad after all!!!” She batted her long eyelashes.

“Wait...” Herc was confused. “You weren’t a.... prisoner????”

“No!” Helen grinned and patted her perfectly coiffed hair. “But I am going to be Paris's date for the Trojan Academy’s Homecoming Dance!!!!!”

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!” screamed Adonis.

Hercules was overcome with relief. “well...ok....in that case...I'm just glad you're safe!”

Icarus stood up and declaimed. “Now the healing can begin! C'mon everybody.....group hug!!!!!!!” He threw his arms around Helen, who gave him a puzzled look. Icarus retreated,“Or not......ok......how about hanging out at the Speedy Pita!???”

Hercules got up. “That's cool, let's go.... I'm starving!!!!” The other students in their group followed, murmuring in agreement.

Adonis trailed after them. “I can do that......who's paying????”

Alone in the Cafeterium, Homer looked after them and frowned. He stared in disappointment at his parchment notes and mumbled to himself.

“So..... she wasn’t even kidnapped!!???!! what a lame-o story!!! I got to spice this up a little bit.......forget the high school rivalry stuff...we need a war...a ten year war!!! that's right!!!!...Between city states......started by Helen .....whose face could launch a hundred.....no, make that a thousand...ships!!!! I'll throw in Achilles and give it a tragic angle......now were cooking, yowsa!!!!!!”

The End